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You Knew I Had Kids When You Married Me

March 23, 2012 | Comments: 0 | Views: 159

You are a stepfather speaking with your wife about her children's negative behavior. How would you react if your wife said, "You knew I had kids when you married me." Or to hear, "You shouldn't have married a woman with children." You're not stupid, obviously you knew your wife had children, and you also knew those children have a dad who is not you. These are insensitive remarks made by people who don't want to sympathize or empathize with what their husband is going through.

It also places the blame on us and releases the wife, her ex, their children and everyone else from their share of the problem. These kinds of remarks speak volumes on the regard or lack thereof the wife places on her spouse and marriage. This, "You knew what you were getting yourself into" attitude doesn't do anything to address our concerns or strengthen the relationship.

When you start a new job do you really know what you're getting yourself into? Sure you met and interviewed with your new boss and future co-workers, and maybe received a tour of the facilities but does that really prepare you for what you're getting yourself into? Do you know what the office politics are? Do you know your co-worker is a slug who barely works? Do you know the director is a pompous jerk? Similarly, you don't know how your stepchildren or their dad will treat you once you become part of the family.

Yes, we knew she had children, but we didn't know what it meant to a stepfather. We didn't know:

- Our feelings weren't going to be justified by anyone but another stepfather,

- We wouldn't have a voice in our own home when it came to her children, and we would be excluded when it came to parenting,

- We would be routinely disrespected,

- I was going to cause pain for my stepchildren, while trying my best to heal them.

Someone working at a new job would not call their best friend to complain about it and expect the friend to say, "Well, you knew what you were getting into when you took that job." Would you tell a woman who was date raped, "Well you knew he had a penis when you when out with him?" Yet, that is the exact response that stepfathers get from their partners.

Some people contend we should have never married a woman with children if we weren't going to love them unconditionally and accept all the strings that came attached. We should consider ourselves fortunate to have stepchildren. That it can never be the stepchild's responsibility, regardless of their age, for how they treat us or their mothers, that they are innocent and only acting out through some fault of our own. If you give them and their mother respect, they will reciprocate. They state we gave up our rights to want lives, families of our own when we chose our wives.

Unless you are a stepparent, you can't begin to understand what it is like. Please do not tell us, we knew what we were getting ourselves into because we didn't. This highlights a need to help educate men who are considering becoming stepfathers, so they can be more aware of what it really means to love a woman with children.

For men who didn't have to be - being a stepfather is one of the most challenging jobs around and it's a role society hasn't clearly defined yet. There is no standard operating procedures for stepfathers and having the best intentions and crossed fingers isn't enough to be a successful. I know I lived it. Studies show nearly 65% of all second marriages involve children but tragically nearly 70% of these marriages will end in divorce often as a result of the added pressures stepfamilies face. Support for Stepfathers, http://www.supportforstepdads.com, is like "marriage insurance" - where you'll receive informative content, tools, unique insights and support that will help you be aware of and overcome the challenges unique to the blended family. Through this website I want to share with you my experience, my lessons learned and the lessons learned from others. It is possible to be a successful stepfather and have a thriving blended family. Don't allow your family to become another statistic.

Source: EzineArticles
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