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Developing a Better Relationship With Ourselves and Others

May 13, 2012 | Comments: 0 | Views: 142

Maintaining relationships with another person is oftentimes difficult when you have failed to deal with your own issues. It is easier to blame others for the issues they bring into your lives rather than acknowledge your own issues that are staring boldly back at us. When you fail to deal with your issues they prevent us from moving forward in your lives. Situations, people and events keep repeating in your lives because you have failed to see and learn the lessons about yourself. Unfortunately, it will take a huge catalyst for us to turn our lives around, but by then you will be lamenting on why is this happening in your lives. However, if you had learned the lessons from the milder occurrences which had previously occurred then you would not have found yourself in your present predicament. You then get so caught up in assigning blame and pointing fingers that you don't realize that there are three more fingers pointing back at you.

As adults you suffer from countless issues and you may not know where to begin. One way to begin is to go back in your mind to your childhood and remember how you felt when your father or your mother criticized you. Children have a remarkable gift of self-perseverance. It is easy for them to persevere because they have limited duties as children. It is actually what makes them able to take on adult duties. Unfortunately, it slowly creates the basis for depression which they are going to experience fully when they become adults and are now faced with the realities of being an adult. When they finally become adults they are already exhausted and they have nothing left to be function fully as an adult.

In order to deal with your issues, it is imperative that you are able to identify where they have originated. Your issues do not exist in you on it's own with no point of origin. Nor do they exist in you because of past relationships. Your issues already exist within you and it is what you bring to all relationships that you are involved in. Many of you are embarrassed to admit that you have issues because that would mean that you would have to acknowledge where those issues are coming from - your childhood and your parents. This results in another lack of acknowledgement or denial. It is extremely difficult to admit that your own parents have created so many emotional problems. It is even harder to grasp that your own parents have no inclination to see you achieve anything in life. They would be happy as long as you are not climbing up the ladder of success.

Not only is that a misery loves company situation, but it is also the "crabs in a barrel" situation. No one wants to admit that their parents are not supportive. Now some of you may think that your parents are supportive and they did not cause you any deep traumatic issues and that's great. But traumatic issues are not always easily identifiable. If you grew up in a household where your parents were not affectionate towards each other and to you then that is a traumatic environment. You will grow up not knowing how to show affection and not knowing how to express your feelings. You may have a fear of getting close to anyone so you remain single and only get involved in casual relationships. You fear commitment so you protect your heart fiercely. It is possible to be in a relationship and still be removed from the relationship. You do not get close to anyone because deep down you are afraid of getting hurt.

You may also have a fear of having someone cheat on you. That may stem from seeing one or both of your parents cheating. A lot of you may have grown up in households where you see your father having affairs and witness your mother crying her eyes out or pretending that she either does not know about it or that it doesn't bother her. It may have been your mother who was doing the cheating. Regardless of who was doing the cheating, betrayal in a marriage has an immense impact on the children and that betrayal stays with the children well into their adult years. What is worse, is if you as a child were the one to put a stop to the affair or you were the one running the household and taking caring of your brothers and sisters because your mother was too emotionally weak to handle herself much less to handle a couple of children. Or you may have had to move out of your parents home before you were ready because your parents were not taking proper care of you and you had to move out in order to support yourself and survive. All you have known your entire life is how to survive rather than how to live.

Life as an adult holds many responsibilities. This is where your issues come out to wreak havoc on your life and any relationships you may form whether it's a love relationship or a platonic relationship. Each and every one of us has issues. Some may be serious while others are not. But left unacknowledged those issues will be given the opportunity to destroy our personal lives.

What is it you fear? Some of you although you are adults, are still fearful of your parents. Your parents are still controlling your every move. Do you feel guilty going on vacation by yourself or with you and your partner because you know your parents and the rest of the family will think you are being selfish? Do you still go on family vacations with you, your partner and your parents, but you do not spend individual quality time with just you and your spouse without your parents around? Do you still answer to your parents? It is important to understand that that attitude still keeps you as a child and prevents you from growing up. You are your own person with your own thoughts, goals, dreams and desires. It is time you took control of your own life and handle your unresolved issues.

If we leave our issues unresolved they turn into shame and our shame leaves us embarrassed. So rather than admit or issues and what we are ashamed of we lash out on others. Deep down you are ashamed of your home life especially if you grew up in a culture that is big on appearances. You did not create your home life, but it is important to acknowledge the truth. Instead of creating illusions that your home life is perfect and your family is supportive when in reality they are only supportive after they have torn you down. They tear you down and then they become your hero by comforting you and building thereby giving the illusion that they are really supportive. They then act superior because they are not physically abusive and they look down on those individuals who come from physically abusive families. That is emotional abuse. Yes, your parents and your family are the primary source of emotional abuse. You will subconsciously inherit this behaviour and you will find yourself treating others the same way. You won't even think anything is wrong because you have been absorbed into that behaviour for so long that it becomes a natural part of you. But it is neither healthy nor appropriate. It can be disheartening to know that everything that you have built your life upon is false. Learning that you were emotionally abused is not an easy thing to accept or acknowledge.

When you lack the tools with which to identify your own issues you will find yourself getting involved with unhealthy situations and having certain expectations from others. Expectations which you needed to fulfill within yourself first. You then get upset when those expectations are not met. Expecting others to give you what you want is placing an unfair burden on that individual because they are already dealing with their own issues. It is not fair to expect things from others when you have not fulfilled those expectations within yourself. Nor is it fair to expect others to be for you when you are not being for yourself nor are you being for others. That is called being selfish. Expecting others to do for you while you sit back and collect the favours is a selfish act. Life is a series of give and take, not a series of take, take and continuously taking.

You must gain balance within yourself before you bring balance to the world.Remember that when you point a finger at someone there are three more pointing back at you reminding you that you are having the same issues as the one you are pointing at.


About The Author:

Trudy-Ann Ewan is a Holistic Life Coach, Motivational Speaker, Author who is passionate about helping individuals create their passionate life. She specializes in the healing of Heart, Mind, Body and Soul. She works with individuals who are seeking to empower themselves and become more confident to live the life they desire. She motivates and educates individuals on how to fall in love with themselves and create a balanced and (w)holistic life by developing a better relationship with themselves without judgment. You can join her on Facebook:

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Source: EzineArticles
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