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I Can Not Tell a Lie: I Go Crazy Over Lying

February 18, 2012 | Comments: 0 | Views: 163

From about the time we are born, we are told honesty is the best policy.

However, this is a total lie. We have been natural liars ever since the days of Adam and Eve.

To describe all the lies that have irked me during my lifetime, I would have to write a book the size of War and Peace. Here are a few that I find to be particularly irritating:

When the Baby Boomers graduate, you will have no problem finding a job. I heard that lie constantly throughout the 1980's from professors and career counselors telling us dumb smarty pants majoring in liberal arts that businesses would welcome us with open arms when the elder Boomers finally started to fill up shuffleboard courts and nursing homes. What they did not foresee was automation, downsizing outsourcing, and a series of recessions were going to wipe out millions of good paying jobs. Nor did they foresee a technologically savvy generation born in the last two decades of the 20th Century that is not only as about big as the Boomers but also cheaper to hire. Now that the eldest boomers are beginning to retire, I am still waiting for the day when businesses will hire me on the spot with my liberal arts background.

You are an extremely well-qualified candidate, but we have chosen someone else. However, you name is on file, and we will contact you should something come up. Except for the part of your name being on file (which means the large, cylindrical one that is emptied out every day), this is a bald-faced lie given by "human resource" people to unlucky job seekers. What they are actually saying is that you are a piece of horse dung and we will never bother to look at you resume again, you loser.

I appreciate your candor. Sometimes, you will hear this from your boss when you speak your mind at a company meeting. What this really means is, "Shut the @#$%* up! If you ever talk like that again, I will rip the @$*#%! tonsils out of your body!" Businesses constantly argue they like out-of-the box thinkers. What they abhor is out-of-the-box thinking from independent-minded underlings rather than the bosses.

I'm from the government, and I'm here to help. As a person who has held a few government jobs in my lifetime, I know this is a lie. Very seldom do government employees get good training in customer service or problem solving or trying to describe complex laws in ordinary language. So do not yelp when a bureaucrat tries to help by explaining policies that sound like a mix of Chinese and Navajo. He or she is probably more confused and more agitated than you are.

I'll call. This is a lie often uttered after a lousy first date or a job interview. When you hear this, move on. You are more likely to strike oil in Antarctica or take a trip to Mars in a balsa wood airplane than get a phone call.

Don't take it personally. This is a lie said by people after they spent a half-hour lambasting you for being the worst person since Adolf Hitler. Since I am not an unfeeling robot, I do take it personally after being tongue lashed. I just want to go to my bedroom, cry harder than a baby who did not get pabulum for breakfast, put on a tattered sackcloth and ashes, and chant mea culpa for a couple of weeks.

Have a nice day. One of the most common and most nauseous lies you hear in malls, fast food restaurants, and supermarkets. Nobody really wishes you to have a nice day. Instead, they are really hoping that by the time you will get home, you will break your leg and meet people who make John Wayne Gacy and Charles Manson look like members of the Altar Boy Society.

Crime doesn't pay. This is a popular lie from law-and-order types who think criminals do not profit from their misdeeds and will face justice in the end. The fact is drug lords, mobsters, sleazy judges and lawyers, politicians, and white-collar crooks make sack loads of money from crime. Also, many famous American families have amassed great wealth not just by hard work and imagination but also through nefarious means. Sometimes, evil guys do really first by flouting the law.

I'm going to begin fiscally responsible government spending. From Richard Nixon's "I am not a crook" to Bill Clinton's "I did not have sex with that woman" to George W. Bush's "mission accomplished" banner, politicians and lying go together like corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's Day. A popular lie uttered by politicians, especially Republicans, is they are going to cut government spending and balance the budget. The only government spending they usually cut is for the dregs of society. Somehow, they never seem to shrink the size of the military-industrial-prison complex, nor do they cut the pork for their constituents or the welfare of the corporations who bankroll their campaigns. As a result, spending balloons year after year, and the budget remains more unbalanced than a drunken acrobat on a tightrope.

These are just a few of the lies that annoy me more than a few million hemorrhoids. Whenever I hear them, I feel like howling like a coyote on LSD, and that is no lie.

Joseph A. Glynn welcomes all Ordinary Joes and Janes to read his blog An Ordinary Joe's Soapbox. The website is Comments can be sent to

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