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The Relationship Plant: Using Positive Selfishness to Keep It Alive!

February 19, 2012 | Comments: 0 | Views: 140

People say that one cannot be selfish if they want a relationship to be successful. Well, it depends on who is being selfish and how. First we have to establish how many are in a relationship of two people. I know...that sentence just made your head hurt. By that statement I mean the relationship itself between these two people is a participant in this situation. It has its own individual needs. A relationship is much like having a child, a pet or a plant. If its not nurtured, fed and watered you'll both kill it.

Most people view the basic needs of their relationship plant to be spending time together, talking on the phone and sex. While these are true needs there is a little more to it than that. It's more than just being physically present and checking in. You have to emotionally feed each other and your relationship too.

This is where using Positive Selfishness as a tool can help keep it alive. I know, I know Positive Selfishness sounds like an oxymoron. Let's break selfishness into two forms: positive and negative.

Negative selfishness would go by the standard definition of the word selfishness: "concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well being without regard for others". Being selfish is a problem when others are put last in or in harms way because of your wants. If we remove the bad ingredients of it the concept for putting yourself first can be a good one at times. Think of the airplane rule of putting the oxygen mask on first so you can be able to help others.

Positive selfishness is a selfless solution for a good relationship which allows mutual satisfaction. It makes sure we have a very important want/need taken care of in a situation so intern we can provide a certain want/need for our partner. We are selfish, yet selfless at the same time. Still considerate of the other person involved and want to make them happy. The situation is an "us gratification situation".

For example: we want to spend time with the person and see a movie together. So we compare what we both want to see and pick the mutual choices. But what if there are no movies on their to see list you want to watch? Remember that there are two goals that evening: to spend time together and to do something of want or need. Sometimes the choices involved in spending time together can go with mutual ease. However sometimes both of you are not on the same page. This is normal, but can lead to conflict. You could try the old coin toss to avoid conflict or ask yourself which is the priority of that evening, the time with your partner or satisfying the want or need?

If you pick the movie that your partner wants to see it can be a win-win. You are selfish, because you want to spend time with the person and see a movie with them. You are selfless, because you pick the movie that is important to them. You choose their desire over yours therefore compromising in a positive way. This will not ruin the time for both of you, because one of your desires that night is to spend time with a person you enjoy and take an interest in what they like. If you really love someone, what is important to him or her ideally should become important to you also. The next movie night they can see the movie you desire to watch.

This works for almost any aspect of a relationship. From taking out the garbage, managing social time all the way to sex! Positive selfish sex means that you enjoy the sex with the person, because not only are they bringing you great pleasure, but also you are sincerely enjoying the pleasure that you are bringing them. The pleasure you bring them is almost more important, because it is that giving attitude which makes for a reciprocal situation. Even if you weren't in the mood, it's important to recognize their need and feel happy to bring them pleasure.

Remember, fulfilling your partners want/needs is not always about you getting something in return. It is important to do things for the person you love simply because it makes them happy and feel cared about. If what's important to your partner is supported by you, then you will be feeding a blooming relationship plant!


Source: EzineArticles
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