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The World Through Manorexic Eyes - The Manorexia Recovery Diary

April 26, 2012 | Comments: 0 | Views: 206

Anorexic beginnings

In 1993, I left the safety of my primary school to join Lymm High. I remember vividly the night before I started at my new school. I had new sheets on the bed, new pyjamas and a whole new set of stationery - perhaps a sign of my slight OCD and over analysis of everything I do!

Anyway, school started and I was to be part of 7TR (or year seven with Mr Traynor as my form tutor). I was placed in a class with a couple of my friends, but not the group of friends that I thought I wanted to be with.

Nevertheless I tried my best to blend in an enjoy my new surroundings. After several weeks I knew I did not fit in and I began to feel anxious and very depressed. There were a couple of guys in my classes that could smell blood and exploited my obvious weaknesses through all manner of bullying tactics. To be honest they never did anything more malicious than steal my ruler or hide my rucksack; but to a nervous and depressed 11 year old, their taunts felt very real and threatening.

The worst bullying and ill feeling came from one particular guy who I had been friendly with at primary school. Byron Kirkley was a great guy, we had similar interests and I spent many happy hours at his home within Chaigley school in Thelwall, Cheshire. However, whilst still at Statham primary school two other people in our friendship group began to marginalise Byron. I joined them. To this day I regret it, Byron had never done anything against me and here I was, betraying him to win favour with the people I believed were "cooler". It was these two "friends" that I wanted to join now at Lymm High - why, I do not know and Byron was now having his revenge in making new friends and ostracising me; fair play in my eyes, I had been horrible.

As I spiraled into a state of constant worry, I turned to food to comfort myself. Our school canteen made great chocolate brownies and blondie biscuits. At 10:45 each day, I would gorge on two biscuits and two packets of crisps. This would follow a breakfast of toast and cereal. As lunchtime approached I knew that my daily portion of chips with curry sauce and a Bernard Mathews Turkey drummer was nigh. I would wash this down with a chocolate bar and can of fizzy drink. By 1:30pm, on each school day I had consumed over 2,000 calories - my daily allowance of energy.

Dinner was always cooked by my Mum and invariably was healthy, balanced and tasty. My Mum had a passion for food and meal times were a very important part of our daily life. This was a great grounding in understanding food, how it was compiled and the joy of cooking and eating it. I continually lean on this passion and knowledge today to ensure food remains a positive aspect of my life and that my manorexia tendencies remain quashed.

After dinner I would wait until 9pm when I would watch TV and consume countless biscuits with tea. On average, my daily calorie intake at this time was well over 3,000. An excess of around 1,000 per day, or 7,000 per week. This kind of eating would result in gaining around 2lbs in weight per week. Early October 1993, weight: 7 stone 10 lbs; height: 5ft 2 inches - the 60th percentile for my age.

It was in October that I requested to move form in order to join my other friends. Each school year was split into two bands (X and Y). Traditionally Y band studied French and X band German, class rotations were also very different between the two. No one in the history of Lymm High had swapped bands. If I were to join my friends in search of happiness, I would have to break the mould.

My plea was presented to the head of year, Mrs. Latham a wiry older woman with a viper tongue and a seeming disdain for kids, born out of many years of abuse no doubt. My request was denied flat out. Instead I was to write a daily diary of the things that happened which made me feel unhappy, and those that made me feel good. This was a clear test to try and prove to me that I had everything to be happy for - anyone who knows anything about psychology or depression will know that the human brain does not self correct how it feels based on a score card of the things that should make us feel happy...

The happiness diary was not a success, I hated school and felt incredibly isolated and scared - my over eating continued. My parents were heavily involved in fighting my corner, both of them desperately wanted me to be happy and I can only imagine the heartache I caused them. They appealed to the head teacher, Mr Slater and after much protest were afforded an audience with the board of governors.

Both of my parents are gentle, kind and welcoming. This said, both of them share the ability to be quite formidable; a trait heightened when me and my brothers welfare is concerned. As October progressed, I was struggling to face each day and I was very lonely. After many meetings, discussions and school politics I was eventually allowed do the unthinkable and change form and join my friends.

By this time (26th November 1993), my weight was 8 stone, 4lbs; the 80th percentile for my age. At this point I began extra classes to learn German and catch-up with various other areas of the syllabus that the X band had studied. It was tough, but Miss Darwent in the German department gave up her spare time to help me along. With the help of some very kind teachers I was soon up to speed academically. Things were looking up, I had been granted my wish and I could be happy.

Or so I thought....

My name is Tim Marlow and I am anorexic. On my website I have started charting how I developed my eating disorder and became manorexic. My aim is to help others realise that it is possible to recover from an eating disorder and lead a relatively normal life. I still struggle with how I approach food but on my website I hope to share my experience to help others with their eating disorders. On the site I chronicle my daily food diary and the recipes that I eat, meaning that even for those not suffering with anorexia, the site is a hub of great recipe ideas and foodie tips!

Come and visit me and join in the discussions and share your food experiences good or bad: manorexia

Source: EzineArticles
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