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Dealing With Psychological Abuse - How to Move on and Date Again

April 24, 2012 | Comments: 0 | Views: 165

When you've just emerged from an unhealthy relationship, the last thing on your mind might be the idea of dating again. Do give yourself adequate time to heal and to assess your life, rather than rushing into another relationship. If you are not used to being alone, it may feel like your best course is to hurry up and start dating a lot of new people right away, with the goal of finding a new relationship to enjoy.

However, if you don't give yourself sufficient time to see your own part in the abusive relationship and why you stayed in it, you are more likely than not to simply attract the same sort of controlling person into your life all over again. To help you spend your transition time wisely, and prepare to move on and begin dating healthier people this time, I've created a virtual "tool kit" for you to use.

The components of this tool kit are these five items:

1. KNOW YOURSELF. Recognize your own codependent tendencies. Another term that is often used to define codependent behavior is calling someone a "People Pleaser." Ask yourself if you have a habit of putting your own needs, dreams and desires on the back burner, while you focus your energy and time on trying to gain the approval and validation of the other person in your relationship. Codependent relationships are always out of balance, with the People Pleaser giving and giving of themselves while their partner abuses and belittles them. So, take time to look at your behavior and notice where you've put up with abusive behavior out of fear of losing the other person. Lack of self-worth is at the heart of People Pleasing. Spend some time building your self-esteem and learning to love your own company and the wonderful person you are before you rush to lose yourself in another relationship.

2. WATCH FOR RED FLAGS. In thinking over this most recent relationship, write down all the times when your partner gave you "clues" that he or she was more interested in dominating and abusing you in order to feel powerful, than they were in creating a harmonious and loving relationship. These "red flags" are good things to take note of now, so that you will be able to recognize them more readily when you are in the dating scene. Learn to listen to your intuition more closely from now on: when something doesn't feel right inside to you, that's a signal to you from your Higher Self that you are experiencing treatment from your date that is not in alignment with what you really value in life.

3. SLOW DOWN. Another trait of People Pleasers and the partners they attract into their lives is that of being willing to get rushed into a commitment. The abuser wants to make sure of you, and will tell you they are already in love and want you to be a couple almost immediately. It might feel like a fairy tale romance, but remember that if you are telling your friends things like, "Wow, he's just too good to be true!" that is a clue to go slower now and really get to know him. Hold back on taking the relationship to a physically intimate level until you've been dating at least one month, preferably three or four months. Why? Because what happens when you leap into bed due to the intense attraction phase is then you feel a connection with this person you barely know. Based on the physical connection you've now experienced, you may feel a strong urge to now create a lasting and loving relationship. But this is doing things backwards, and saying that doesn't mean being a prude or wanting to be a spoilsport. Physical intimacy is a very important part of a loving relationship, but ask yourself this: do you have a history of leaping into bed and then scrambling to convince yourself this is the right person for you? It really is better in the long run to get to know someone first, and evaluate whether you want to keep the relationship going and move up to a more intimate level, or whether you now see the two of you aren't really compatible and you should part ways.

4. KEEP YOUR OWN LIFE. At the heart of every relationship where there is psychological abuse going on, you will find the People Pleaser trying desperately to appease the abuser's anger by gradually giving up more and more things that you really love about your life. You give up friends that he claims not to like, you give up your weekend bike ride because he wants you home with him watching a game on television, you give up your family ties because he always gets so annoyed if you want to see your relatives for dinner, and so on. You may have even been in relationships where you gave up your job because he was jealous of coworkers. In the effort to reassure your partner, you may have done many things that "de-selfed" you, meaning you gave up bits and pieces of yourself again and again, activities and work that define who you are in this world. You may have automatically dumped plans with friends if your partner suddenly was available and wanted to see you. Don't repeat these mistakes. A person who is worthy of your love will be thrilled that you know how to make yourself happy with various activities and interests, and you will learn how to balance the time spent in all areas of your life, including in the relationship.

Trust yourself to know when you are ready to start dating again, and move on from the old relationship you are leaving behind. Help yourself heal by writing about the relationship in your journal, and then close the chapter on that relationship once and for all. Avoid the temptation to gossip about your former partner and keep the wounds fresh.

It's much easier to move on when you forgive yourself as well as your previous partner for not knowing how to have a healthier relationship during the time you were together. Understand that your partner did want a loving relationship but didn't know how to have one, and was trapped in the pain just as much as you were. Consider that unfortunate relationship a valuable lesson in your life journey, one that can teach you what you do want to experience in the next relationship. And now, go on and start dating again. Life is calling to you to enjoy yourself!

And now, since you're interested in enjoying happier and healthier relationships, get Free Instant Access to watch an 18-minute video at SPECIAL FOR MY EzineArticles READERS: Use coupon code EZINE to get 50% off the 14-week program price!

I'm the Amazon bestselling author of the stress management book "Forget Your Troubles: Enjoy Your Life Today" and other books. I'm a certified Dream Builder Coach, a certified Law of Attraction coach and a motivational speaker, empowering others to create lives that are happier, healthier and wealthier.

Visit my blog on stress reduction, happiness and healthy relationships at

Source: EzineArticles
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