Author Box
Articles Categories
All Categories
Articles Resources

Do You Fight With the RIGHT Brain?

April 11, 2012 | Comments: 0 | Views: 202

Were you mindful during your last "dumb" fight?

Were you aware of the trigger that got you or your partner fired up and ready to "rumble?" What was happening inside your body? Did your breathing become shallow? Was your heart beating faster? Were you telling yourself that your partner was "too much something" or "not enough something?" Were these thoughts only accelerating your upset? How did you behave? Did your actions move you towards or away from your partner?

My guess is that during the conflict, you had no idea what was going on because your right brain, your emotional brain, was in control.

Let me give you a mini-lesson in neurobiology. Your brain has two hemispheres, a right and a left. The left brain, is the seat of your cognition and reason. The right brain is your emotional brain and it operates unconsciously. Your emotional mind will react 10 times more quickly than your logical mind. This makes recognizing and regulating conflict very tricky.

Our brains have been hard wired to give emotion the upper hand. The emotional mind is the seat of our survival instinct. When it perceives a threat, it revs up and takes off as if it was being chased by a sabre-toothed tiger. Your first reaction to an event will always be an emotional one. You have no control over this part. You do have control over how you respond to the long as you are emotionally aware.

Love can turn to fury in half the time it takes to blink an eye. When we get out of sync with our partner, it will feel emotionally threatening if you cannot turn around and quickly reconnect. And, reconnection in the heat of emotion is difficult.

Research in the field of emotional intelligence estimates that two thirds of us are emotionally "unintelligent." We are not conscious enough to recognize what we are feeling. If we cannot recognize, regulate, and reveal our emotions to our partner, we are probably going to have emotionally unintelligent (dumb) fights.

  • Dumb fights occur when couples don't RECOGNIZE what they're really fighting about.
  • Dumb fights occur when couples have trouble REGULATING their emotions - instead they either avoid and stuff, or blow up like a hand grenade.
  • Dumb fights occur when couples have difficulty REVEALING their needs for closeness, understanding, soothing, validation, and support.
  • Dumb fights occur when we pay no attention to tone, facial expressions, and body language - the language of our emotional "minds".
  • Dumb fights occur when we react defensively rather than RESPOND consciously and compassionately.
  • Dumb fights occur when we get get disconnected with our partner and have difficulty with RE-SYNCING.

Recently, I had a client tell me the story of her latest dumb fight. She kept repeating, "I watched myself going crazy but I couldn't stop it!"

She was taken aback when I told her, "If you could watch yourself acting crazy, you have the power to calm yourself down." Learning to shift from the emotional mind to the observing mind is the essence of being mindful, the key to slowing down dumb fights.

Being mindful is paying attention "on purpose." Mindfulness is "noticing your mind's business (thought and feeling) and not getting all tangled up in them."

Close your eyes, and simply notice what your mind does. Stay on the lookout for any thoughts or images, as if you're a wildlife photographer, waiting for an exotic animal to appear from the undergrowth. If no thoughts or images appear, keep watching; sooner or later one will.

Notice where your thoughts seem to be located: out in front of you, above you, behind you, to one side of you, or within you.

Notice that one part of you is thinking while another part is observing that thinking.

There are your thoughts. And there's you observing them.

Practicing a formal mindfulness exercise (like watching your breath) 20 minutes a day can save you probably 20+ years of pain. When you practice mindfulness, you can more quickly shift to your "observing mind" when you find yourself in an agitated state. The observing can notice the upset but then decide to pause, breathe, take a break. The observing you can resist the urge to do things or say things that push your partner further away. more harm.

The observing you has the presence of mind to ask "What does the "we" need now?"

Rhonda Audia, MSW, has developed a unique approach to relationship enhancement. Her "Dumb Fight Prevention Training for Couples" combines elements of emotional intelligence theory, mindfulness training, and emotionally focused therapy to create a very practical, powerful process that will deepen your relationship and expand your skills and collaboration.

To learn more about Rhonda Audia and her "Dumb Fight Prevention for Couples"® at

Source: EzineArticles
Was this Helpful ?

Rate this Article

Article Tags:

Emotional Mind


Relationship Conflict


Mindfulness In Relationships


Neurobiology And Couples

When speaking of celebrity weddings, they dresses are mostly tailored and designed form reputed international designers. Say for example, Dutch Victoria’s Secret model Doutzen Kroes. When speaking

By: Simon Liva l Relationships > Wedding l December 12, 2012 lViews: 215

Funny groom speeches play an important role in making the wedding atmosphere nice and relaxed. Wedding is all about celebration and enjoyment and the best way of adding to the celebration is to make

By: Bartley de Wilson l Relationships > Wedding l November 29, 2012 lViews: 218

The wedding cards of every religion have something peculiar and convey a lot about the religion. There are various online stores that are solely designing Muslim wedding cards and there is an option

By: Indian Wedding Card l Relationships > Wedding l November 29, 2012 lViews: 388

Practice makes pretty! Make sure the dance floor is right for the song and practice plenty of time before hand.Practice makes pretty! Make sure the dance floor is right for the song and practice

By: Simon Liva l Relationships > Wedding l November 21, 2012 lViews: 280

Wedding invitations are very important as they are the first impression and unique wedding invitations are generally kept by the guests. The wedding is an auspicious occasion and all the rituals are

By: Indian Wedding Card l Relationships > Wedding l November 16, 2012 lViews: 444

A closer look into the popular series of books called Fifty Shades of Grey that has spurred women all over America to get in touch with the sensual side in life. It's about letting your daily

By: martha l Relationships > Sexuality l October 25, 2012 lViews: 307

Should I get back together with my ex? You should ask yourself 4 questions before making the decision. The first question is...

By: Allaner Wongl Relationships > Conflictl June 14, 2012 lViews: 260

How to write a get your ex back letter? Here are a few things that you can write...

By: Allaner Wongl Relationships > Conflictl June 14, 2012 lViews: 364

How to get your ex back using The Law of Attraction? Just follow these 4 simple steps. The 1st step is to...

By: Allaner Wongl Relationships > Conflictl June 14, 2012 lViews: 851

One of the things that I always find to be a little bit peculiar is just how eager people seem to be to give others relationship advice even when they don't seem to be doing that well in that area

By: Chris G. Tylerl Relationships > Conflictl June 13, 2012 lViews: 710

Losing all hope when it comes to getting back with an ex girlfriend is one of the worst things that can happen to a guy. It feels terrible when you feel like you don't stand a chance to get back the

By: Chris G. Tylerl Relationships > Conflictl June 13, 2012 lViews: 260

Why did my boyfriend dump me for no reason? Do I still have any chance to get my boyfriend back? Here are a few things you can do to get your boyfriend back...

By: Allaner Wongl Relationships > Conflictl June 13, 2012 lViews: 514

I think the idea of "you complete me" in relationships is less about a myth and more about a paradox. A paradox is something that is true, it is just not true every single minute of every single day.

By: Rhonda Audial Relationships > Enhancementl April 19, 2012 lViews: 274

Discuss this Article

comments powered by Disqus