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Code Words Can Help Your Relationship Thrive Despite Deployment Separation

January 29, 2012 | Comments: 0 | Views: 259

Let's agree to these statements:

Deployment separation sucks.You and your spouse or partner love each other deeply.

Along with the last goodbye kiss you want a profound sense of oneness that doesn't leave. You want a stronger-than-ever, unshakeable connection that will withstand the time apart. One way to forge that bond is to create your own secret language of personal words and images.

Develop a code that will let you express your deepest feelings on a public phone or in email that you know is monitored. Here are some examples to get you started.

Choose an innocent word or phrase such as rhubarb that means something like...oh, I don't know..."I wish I could jump your bones right now!" Make each other smile with shared secrets. (But remember that it's illegal to communicate classified or operational security-related info using a secret language. Keep it fun and personal.) Give each other something small but personal to carry or wear as a talisman of your love, a touchstone. While you're together, describe in detail what it means to you and how it makes you feel. For example, suppose you each have a memory pendant with a photo of you together. The deployed soldier calls from a distant port where she's surrounded by other soldiers waiting for their turn to make a call, and she has only a few precious minutes to talk. When she says, "Pendant," she's actually saying, "I'm holding the pendant and looking at it while we talk. I love looking at your face while I hear your voice. I love you." Talk about the activities that will remind you of each other and describe what you will be thinking and feeling every time you do that activity. Then when you mention the activity in an email or on the phone, you have an instantly shared mental image that flows with emotion. "I did the laundry today" could mean "I wrapped myself in your shirt and breathed in the scent of you and cried with joy for loving you and with sorrow for missing you." Commit to sustaining your sense of appreciation for each other throughout deployment by frequently sending smiles and warm glows across the miles. Be deliberate about it. Keep the positive thoughts and words flowing. Whether you use the actual words or develop your own code, say often that you believe in and trust each other, that you want each other to be happy despite the separation.

The key is to prepare. Be open and vulnerable and specific about what you feel and what you want your partner to know is in your heart when you use code words.

While the big happy hello comes at the end of deployment, every phone call, every email can be its own happy hello. And if it contains a coded message that makes you blush, all the better.

Jerilyn Marler helps military families cope with the challenges of deployment separation. Her two books are must-have additions to any military family's library. Lily Hates Goodbyes is for children ages 2-7 to help them understand and handle their feelings in healthy ways, to be happy despite the separation, and to look forward to a joyful reunion. Helping Your Young Child Cope is a Kindle format eBook that discusses what children need in order to thrive despite the separation and suggests 22 ways to help kids feel connected to the away parent. Both books are available on and other major online booksellers.

Source: EzineArticles
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