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My Spouse Is Struggling After I Made Him End His Affair, How Can I Help Him?

April 02, 2012 | Comments: 0 | Views: 209

I often hear from wives who are very sorry to witness their husband's reaction after he has ended his affair. Often, the wife hopes that he will agree to end the affair because he wants to do so. But this isn't always what happens. Instead, he sometimes ends the affair because he knows that it is the right thing to do or because his wife asks him to, but his heart isn't always fully in it. Some husbands have a difficult adjustment period after the affair is over. They will tell you that they didn't have closure or that they feel a sense of loss. You might notice them moping around the house or being moody or sullen. And many wives aren't quite sure how to hand this.

I heard from a wife who said: "I caught my husband having an affair and I demanded that he either end it immediately or lose me and the children. He agreed to do this and I thought his agreement meant that we could begin to move forward. But he's so sullen and sad that he doesn't seem to be engaged with our family. When I ask him what is wrong, he says that he needs to be honest with me and he tells me that he's having a hard time dealing with the end of the affair. He says that he feels emotionally torn. How do I help him deal with this? I can tell he's in pain."

This is a difficult situation. Because on one hand, this is something your husband is going to need to deal with on his own. But on the other hand, it can feel as if you can't really move on until he is able to put this behind him. So in the following article, I will try to address these concerns.

As Hard As This Realization May Be, This Really Is His Issue To Solve: I know that this wife wanted to help her husband for many reasons, but frankly, this is his own issue that he himself must work through and solve. And to be honest, if he hadn't been unfaithful in the first place, then he would not be dealing with this. So any pain or turmoil that he is feeling is the result of his own actions and, as such, it's his responsibility to fix this. If you were to fix every mess that a loved one involved themselves in, then that same loved one would never learn from their mistakes.

It's common for people to feel as if they don't have closure when they are forced to end an affair. However, how much closure can they really expect when this wasn't an honest relationship to begin with?

Sometimes His Difficulty In Dealing With This Is At Least In Part Meant To Elicit Sympathy: I know that this is going to sound a bit unfeeling of me. But I believe that many husbands posture a little bit in the early stages of recovery. In short, they know that they are the guilty party and they are trying to diminish the fall out. So they try to elicit a little sympathy from their spouse. I'm not saying that they aren't truly hurting or that they aren't confused. But, they know that it is in their best interest to make you feel sympathetic toward them. So sometimes all these struggles they are trying to bring forth are all part of a plan to elicit sympathy.

Know That When You Make Progress In Your Recovery, His Behavior Should Improve Dramatically: It is very common for both spouses to struggle immediately after an affair. Emotions are running high and the pain and confusion can be substantial. So it makes sense that you are both going to have difficulty navigating this trying time. Of course you can stress that you are there for and are committed to your spouse. This can be very reassuring. But as far as being a sounding board about their feelings toward the other person or listening as they share their frustration over a lack of closure, this really isn't conducive to your healing. However, when you start to heal and emotions aren't quite as high, you will usually also see his inability to deal with things begin to sort itself. out.

It's My Opinion That It's Best To Leave This To A Professional If Necessary: If your husband is seriously struggling, there are qualified counselors who specialize in helping people move on after infidelity. It really is best for him to have a neutral and objective third party to help him. You can't be objective or neutral because this is your marriage and he is your husband. That's why it is probably best left to professionals who aren't as close to this on a personal level.

I hope I don't seem insensitive. I'm not exactly objective about this as I too was a wife who was cheated on. But it's my opinion that it's not the wife's responsibility to help her husband deal with his feelings toward the other woman or the affair. She can certainly help him to move on with the marriage. She can certainly offer him her love and reassurance. But she is not a professional counselor and she is not neutral. So this is something that he should deal with on his own, or if he's still struggling alone, with a trained professional.

I didn't have a lot of sympathy for my husband's struggles after his affair. Because I felt that he brought this on himself. But, once healing began, I started to feel more empathy and he began to successfully deal with his poor decisions. Both of these things made a lot of difference and we eventually saved our marriage. Today, we are very solid and I am confident that we will stay together and continue to put this behind us. If it helps you can read our story on my blog at

Source: EzineArticles
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